Quality is kind of a big deal around here.
The Story of Bill the Quality Manager
Bill: I never attend cocktail parties because I have always dreaded the questions people ask in polite conversation. The number one being, “So, what do you do for a living?”
As a Quality Manager of a very large company, my rehearsed and well-polished response used to be “I’m responsible for the quality improvement programs that reduce scrap, eliminate waste and increase profits at XYZ Company.” (*crickets*)…
After a while, I got tired of seeing glazed eyes and quizzical faces. So I began answering: “Well, I’m a drug dealer actually. And I must say that I’m pretty successful at it. Can I get you something?”
It would get even funnier when they would reply that they don’t do drugs and my answer would be “No, I was talking about drinks…Can I get you a drink?”
Eventually I’d share that I was a Quality Manager and they’d ask me the 2nd most dreaded question,
So what does a Quality Manager do?”
Well, let me put it to you in a meme.
Photo from: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Dir. Milos Forman. Perf. Jack Nicholson, Louise Fletcher, and Michael Berryman. Fantasy Films, 1975. www.filmsite.org/fantasyfilms.html
Wrestling with special cause variation 40 hours a week? That’s just the beginning. Here is a day in my life as a Quality Manager.
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A typical day in a Quality Manager’s life begins early…
7AM: A large customer requests a call.
An important customer requests a 7am conference call to review recent defects they have found.
Photo from: Elf. Dir. Jon Favreau. Perf. Will Ferrell, James Caan, and Bob Newhart. New Line Cinemas, 2003. www.warnerbros.com/elf
7:35AM: The customer is running late.
Says they will call me back later to discuss their very important issues.
Photo from: Dumb and Dumber To. Dir. Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrely. Perf. Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels, Rob Riggle, and more. Universal Pictures, Wessler Entertainment, Red Granite Pictures, New Line Cinema, Conundrum Entertainment, 2014. www.universalpictures.com
8AM: The first management meeting of the day always begins with a pep talk.
Adams, Scott. “6-10-10.” Dilbert. dilbert.com. June 10, 2010. Online.
9AM: I try to get some work done by responding to e-mails and making phone calls.
Photo from: Office Space. Dir. Mike Judge. Perf. Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston, David Herman, and more. Twentieth Century Fox, 1999. foxstudios.com
Photo from: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Dir. Mel Stuart. Perf. Gene Wilder, Jack Albertson, Peter Ostrum, and more. Wolper Pictures, Ltd., 1971. http://www.davidlwolper.com/
10AM: I have to remind Production that Quality is important.
We do not “Ship the product, no matter what!”
Sigh…
Photo from: Anchorman. Dir. Adam McKay. Perf. Will Ferrell, Christina Applegate, Steve Carrell, and more. DreamWorks, Apatow Productions, Herzog-Cowen Entertainment, 2004. www.dreamworkspictures.com
Photo from: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. Dir. George Lucas. Perf. Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and more. Lucasfilm, Twentieth Century Fox, 1977. www.starwars.com
10:30AM: I send a quick text message to my significant other, letting them know that “I love them.”
Savage, Dan. “Love Letter from a Statistician.” Savage Chickens. www.savagechickens.com. 2009. Online.
11AM: SPC training class for the employees.
Photo from: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. Dir. Rawson Marshall Thurber. Perf. Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, and Vince Vaughn. Twentieth Century Fox, Mediastream Vierte Film GmbH & Co. Vermarktungs KG, Red Hour Films, 2004. www.foxmovies.com
Source: knowyourmeme.com/photos/1226512-what-in-tarnation
Photo from: The Muppet Show. Created by Jim Henson. The Jim Henson Company, Associated Television, ITC Entertainment, 1976. muppets.disney.com
Photo source: knowyourmeme.com/memes/can-you-please-photoshop-the-sun-between-my-fingers
NOON: Lunch.
Lunchtime is usually spent at my desk, preparing reports for the next management meeting.
Source: www.someecards.com
Photo from: How I Met Your Mother. Creators Carter Bays, Craig Thomas. Dir. Pamela Fryman, Rob Greenberg, Michael J. Shea, Neil Patrick Harris. 20th Century Fox Television, Bays Thomas Productions, 2005-2014. foxmovies.com, cbs.com
12:30PM: Meeting with a Quality Engineer.
After days of researching a problem they uncovered, I find that the underlying data is garbage and their conclusions are wrong!
Photo from: The Big Lebowski. Dir. Joel Coen, Ethan Coen. Perf. Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Julianne Moore. Polygram Filmed Entertainment, Working Title Films, 1998. www.workingtitlefilms.com
Photo from: Broken City. Dir. Allen Hughes. Perf. Mark Wahlberg, Russell Crowe, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Emmett/Furla/Oasis Films (EFO Films), New Regency Pictures, 2013. www.efofilms.com
1PM: Financial Managers Meeting.
Everyone wants to know how much money Quality saves/costs the company. We have this meeting once a week. When I pointed out how much time and money this meeting costs and how much we would save if we cancelled the meeting, they didn’t seem very enthusiastic.
Photo from: Jerry Maguire. Dir. Cameron Crowe. Perf. Tom Cruise, Cuba Gooding Jr., Renée Zellweger. TriStar Pictures, Gracie Films, 1996. www.sonypictures.com/movies/jerrymaguire/
Photo from: Office Space. Dir. Mike Judge. Perf. Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston, David Herman, and more. Twentieth Century Fox, 1999. foxstudios.com
Source: someecards.com
Photo from: Office Space. Dir. Mike Judge. Perf. Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston, David Herman, and more. Twentieth Century Fox, 1999. foxstudios.com
2PM: Quality crisis on the plant floor needs my immediate attention.
After an initial investigation into the problem, the “evidence” mysteriously disappears. Yum! 🙂
Source: piximus.net/fun/demotivational-posters-to-boost-you-up
3PM: Upper Management meeting.
Owners of the company don’t believe in Quality. It’s my job to convince them that Quality is important.
Photo from: The Matrix. Dir. Lana Wachowski, Lilly Wachowski. Perf. Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss. Warner Bros., Village Roadshow Pictures, Groucho Film Partnership, Silver Pictures, 1999. warnerbros.com/matrix
3:15PM: Recruit money for Quality initiatives.
Ask for more money to automate our SPC programs and bring the paper-based, “Quality Control Lab” into the modern era of manufacturing.
Photo from: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Dir. Jay Roach. Perf. Mike Myers, Heather Graham, Michael York. New Line Cinema, Eric’s Boy, Moving Pictures (I), Team Todd, 1999. www.warnerbros.com
Photo from: 2001: A Space Odyssey. Dir. Stanley Kubrick. Perf. Keir Dullea, Gary Lockwood, William Sylvester. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM), Stanley Kubrick Productions, 1968. mgm.com
4PM: Preparing reports for the 5pm Quality meeting that nobody will read.
Source: www.memecenter.com/fun/1672389/i-like-pie-charts
Source: funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/4613599/Statistics+about+statistics/
5PM: Report on the “State of the Company”.
Photo from: Toy Story. Dir. John Lasseter. Perf. Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Don Rickles. Pixar Animation Studios, Walt Disney Pictures, 1995. toystory.disney.com
6PM: I am determined to make things better!
Photo from: Game of Thrones. Creators David Benioff, D.B. Weiss. Dir. David Nutter, Alan Taylor, Alex Graves, and more. Home Box Office (HBO), Television 360, Grok! Studio, Generator Entertainment, Bighead Littlehead, 2011-pr. www.hbo.com/game-of-thrones
7PM: Ready to go home.
I get a phone call from my customer who missed the 7am conference call informing me that they will be visiting our Plant, tomorrow!
Photo source: knowyourmeme.com/memes/chubby-bubbles-girl
About DataNet Quality Systems
DataNet Quality Systems empowers manufacturers to improve products, processes, and profitability through real-time statistical software solutions. The company’s vision is to deliver trusted and capable technology solutions that allow manufacturers to create the highest quality product for the lowest possible cost. DataNet’s flagship product, WinSPC, provides statistical decision-making at the point of production and delivers real-time, actionable information to where it is needed most. With over 2500 customers worldwide and distributors across the globe, DataNet is dedicated to delivering a high level of customer service and support, shop-floor expertise, and training in the areas of Continuous Improvement, Six Sigma, and Lean Manufacturing services.